Who is a Pathological Man?
Essay by Dr. JoAnn Nishimoto Retrieved from her book Courage for Lambs (reposted with permission).
A pathological man is a man who repeatedly harms people in relationships. An estimated 4% of all men are pathological, known by various names: sociopathic, anti-social, strongly narcissistic, or psychopathic. If a woman walks into a room of 25 men, whether a bar or a church, one of them probably fits this category, usually undetected until she is in a relationship (either professional or personal) with him.
Pathological men exist in every setting, but because they are often highly intelligent, they may rise to leadership roles. The settings vary: abusive husbands, narcissistic bosses in work settings, arrogantly-entitled family members, manipulative professors preying on female students, church leaders masquerading as trusted believers, or anger-driven intimate partners who lack remorse and guilt. Those of us affected by these men have more in common than not. A pathological man extracts a similar toll, no matter what the setting. In fact, a darkly pathological man will harm many women in his lifetime.
A pathological man is, in biblical terms, an evil man. In spiritual language he has a hardened heart, a wicked tongue, devises evil, and has seared his conscience. He enjoys gloating about those he has exploited. He lies. He cheats. He twists the truth. Goodness will not win him to repentance. He loves evil. Do not try to change him. You won’t succeed. You will end up being dominated. Even if he temporarily appears to change and grow, by definition he cannot sustain positive change. He lacks emotional depth and insight, and is simply incapable of empathy and understanding how he hurts you.
Most people have difficulty in understanding why a woman does not leave an abusive relationship with this kind of man. The understanding comes when we see into the inner world of her mind and emotions.
In research by The Institute for Relational Harm and Public Pathology Education, an organization committed to raising awareness about pathological men, the women most vulnerable to these relationships scored extremely high on the personality traits of cooperativeness and empathy.
Did you know that these inner personality traits, so lovely in normal relationships, will predispose her to stay in abuse?
The basic formula goes like this: Combine one pathological man with one very cooperative and empathetic woman and you get a prolonged, unhealthy, destructive, miserable relationship.
Leaving a Relationship with a Pathological Man
When you manage to leave the relationship, you will face a long road of recovery.
You have probably been harmed financially, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. Your experiences most likely fit the psychological criteria for trauma. You, like many women, may even experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), both during and after the harmful relationship.
There may be an aftermath of anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and lowered ability to cope with life issues. As you heal from a pathological relationship, it is essential that you sever contact with the pathological man. Don’t do this alone. You deserve the assistance of a professional counselor. You need to create a safe, gentle life for yourself, one as free from stress as possible. Fill your life with things that matter most and give you enjoyment, such as supportive friends, wise counselors, the unconditional love of pets, the beauty of nature, authentic spiritual community, etc.
Photo by Max Nguyen on Unsplash