Judgement’s Beating Drum (A Song)

These are the lyrics to a song that I wrote that describes my experience growing up in a household and church culture that were both spiritually abusive. The teachings were influenced by Focus On The Family, Vision Forum, Michael and Debi Pearl, and others who were connected and/or similar to those organizations and people. Like a lot of children, I simply accepted what I was taught as truth and did not question it until I was an adult. This song is my reflection on what it felt like to be manipulated through fear into submitting to God and my parents, and buying in, to the point that I was put on a pedestal as a young person who was “doing everything right.” I am grateful to say that I did get out of those harmful systems at 21, but the grief is still very present at 25, and the process of learning new ways to cope with the ingrained fears is ongoing. As a musician, I use songwriting as a way of processing the memories and grief. 

There I Was

Rocking back and forth 

To the rhythm of judgement’s beating drum 

Knees pressed to the floor 

Tears fell and just kept on falling 

There I was, just ten years old 

Begging mercy for my soul 

Quaking at eternal flame 

Desperate for a spotless name 

Stories just like mine 

Were the ones that the people loved to hear 

Almost overnight 

I became all that they wanted 

There I was, a poster child 

Told how I should speak and smile 

Mind and body not my own 

And a future set in stone 

And it all just kept on tightening 

A house with all the windows and doors disappearing 

A chest with all the breath taken away 

The water rising

On a beach with no one near me to say that it’s coming And all I did was pray 

There I was, there I was 

Faithful to a fault and no one cared I was 

There I was, there I was 

The answer to so many hopes of theirs I was 

Rocking back and forth 

To the rhythm of judgement’s beating drum Knees pressed to the floor 

Tears fell and just keep on falling

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