I Left Yesterday

I left a spiritually abusive church yesterday. Four years of abuse and nine years of attendance. I’m finally out. The grief rolls over me like a tidal wave. Why does it hurt this bad when I don’t actually have one “good” memory from my time there? Each memory is tainted by the spiritually abusive pastors or those who silently stood by and witnessed the abuse without speaking up. 

I tried really hard to fix the system when I saw what was happening. I wept, I pleaded, I bargained with God, I shared my abuse story publicly, I discussed it privately, I created committees and implemented policies as the church’s board chair, and I even went to the denominational leader. But nothing really changed. How does a toxic system change unless we all come to a reckoning of reality? I can’t be the only one doing the work. 

So I left. Yesterday. The grief is overwhelming. I can’t breathe. But was I breathing when there? I laid awake last night wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe I caused this. Maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe like in It’s a Wonderful Life, it would have been better if I wasn’t born. 

But that is what my abusers desired for me to think so they could continue their control and abuse of power. 

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Yesterday I finally chose myself. I let my anger finally hit send on my email withdrawing my membership. The email was direct and kind but the action was fueled by my anger. And then I wept. Wept for what was. Wept for what could have been. Wept for the unfulfilled hopes of repentance and accountability from my abusers. Wept for the silence and isolation I felt as everyone witnessed and didn’t act. Wept for what should have been a safe place and instead shattered my sense of safety, not just within the church but in my life. Where do I go from here? 

I scour books and online resources about Spiritual Abuse. It’s so affirming yet why do I still feel so alone? My abusers’ actions are almost prescriptive of everyone else’s experiences. But why does no one else see it? “She was having a hard summer.” “She had health issues.” “She was 

doing her best.” “She has done so much good for the church.” Oh how I wish to stop hearing these excuses for their actions. It makes the bystanders feel better about not taking a stand against abuse, but it isolates me more and more and makes me question reality. I know I’m not crazy and yet the church isn’t validating my abuse; they are gaslighting me. All I hear is “thanks for sharing your story.” Only people outside the church will actually use the words, Spiritual Abuse. Why is it so hard to say these words when the actions were so clear? 

Why is Spiritual Abus swept under the rug to protect the church? Am I not also part of the church? Isn’t the church made up of individual beings, making us all the church? If so, the church has failed me. My abusers got to walk away, with money, dignity, and  no accountability, and I stayed for years trying to get the church to take a stand, to change its ways, to publicly acknowledge the abuse. But yesterday I finally realized I can’t do what the church must do, so I had to walk away. The affirmations behind closed doors were never going to be enough. There is no such thing as silent solidarity. 

It is the end and also the beginning for me. I deserved better and I’m finally choosing myself.

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