Who I Thought He Was (Poem)

they said

he’s a gentleman
he only comes when he’s called
but what about when I couldn’t call him?

they said

certain emotions mean he’s not there
depression
discouragement
loneliness
heartache
are all problems to be solved
by me
before he’ll come back

they said

the lovelier my life
the more I am loved;
the more I have
the more I’ve earned;
the breadth of my suffering indicates
the extent of my faithlessness

they said

gathering was mandatory
and if it hurt to come
then I should leave

they said

to name it
and claim it
these lines are spells
the universal solution
if I believe hard enough
– and only then –
he’ll work magic for me

they said

not to call myself a victim
healing shouldn’t take long
if it hurts for too long, it isn’t pain
it’s bitterness

they said

he can’t show himself to me
unless I’m perfect
anything that’s holding me back
is holding him back too

they said
he loves unconditionally

but I say
what they describe isn’t God
that’s a benevolent monster

Jessica grew up in the Bible belt and spent a decade as an overseas missionary. Now she uses writing as a medium for deconstructing the faith she was handed and the trauma that accompanied it. She lives in Hong Kong and spends her days raising her three kids (and occasionally baking). She writes more at taaiwo.wordpress.com