Why Do Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships?: A Review of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends with Us
In 2016, Colleen Hoover published her book It Ends with Us, and in 2022, the sequel novel, It Starts with Us. The two novels chronicle the main character Lily’s journey through a domestically abusive relationship. The recent debut of the It Ends with Us movie has returned conversations about domestic abuse and violence to national attention. In lieu of spoiling the major plotlines of these books and the movie, although you could assume it, this review focuses on Hoover’s major themes and questions.
How does domestic abuse happen?
It Ends with Us portrays the progression of Lily and Ryle’s relationship, as well as the gradual escalation of Ryle’s abuse. After gaining Lily’s trust, Ryle’s abuse begins in earnest: pushing her down a flight of stairs during a fight, punching her in the face as she tries to help him recover from a burn, forcing her into having sex with him when he’s angry and jealous. In many cases–but not all–domestic abuse happens over time. Once the abuser’s initial charm wears off and their true colors shine, that’s when problems begin.
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According to the United Nations, “Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behavior toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim. Domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic, or sexual in nature. Incidents are rarely isolated and usually escalate in frequency and severity. Domestic abuse may culminate in serious physical injury or death.” The devastating physical, mental, emotional, and other impacts of domestic violence are clearly portrayed in It Ends with Us.
Why do victims stay in situations of domestic abuse?
Hooever also illuminates, through Lily’s character, why victims often remain in abusive relationships for a prolonged period of time.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, people stay in abusive relationships for reasons including, but not limited to:
Fear (both of the partner’s reaction and the demands of being independent)
The normalization of abuse (they don’t recognize the abuse because it’s commonplace in their church culture or community)
Shame (victims are often blamed for the abuse they endure)
Intimidation (verbal and physical threats are common)
In It Ends with Us, viewers and readers see Lily wrestling with the choice to stay with Ryle or leave him. After many instances of justifying Ryle’s behavior, Lily ultimately identifies the cycles of abuse in her life. She grew up the daughter of an abusive father and abused mother, and is now an abused wife, and those cycles must be broken. Both on the page and on the screen, It Ends With Us portrays Lily’s decision-making process and internal wrestling with the impact of abuse on her life and relationships.
How can I care for and support a victim of domestic abuse?
Lily receives help from her friends Alyssa and Atlas. They offer her a judgment-free space to rest and process her experiences; they help her seek medical treatment; and they support her as she pursues independence.
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The National Domestic Violence Hotline echoes and adds to the support methods seen in It Ends with Us. The hotline provides an extensive list with examples of how to support victims. This can involve emotional support and material support, connecting them to medical and legal resources, helping create a safety plan, or (with permission) documenting instances of domestic violence for later legal action.
I appreciate Colleen Hoover’s honest examination of domestic abuse in It Ends with Us. Domestic abuse is a difficult topic to think about, discuss, read about, or watch in movies. Yet, it’s a prevalent issue that needs to be talked about. Statistics from the National Domestic Violence Hotline reveal:
Intimate partner violence (IPV) affects more than 12 million people per year.
Women ages 18-34 generally experience the highest rates of IPV.
Female victims of IPVwere previously victimized by the same offender at rates of 77% for women ages 18 to 24, 76% for ages 25 to 34, and 81% for ages 35 to 49.
An average of 24 people per minute are raped, abused, or stalked by an intimate partner in the United States.
Nearly 3 in 10 women and 1 in 10 men in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner, and report a related impact on their functioning.
May It Ends with Us serve as an example to you not only of the “How?” and “Why?” of domestic abuse, but as a guide for supporting survivors. It’s not an easy movie to watch or book to read, but I believe it’s helpful in developing a deeper understanding and empathy for victims of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is one type of abuse in the minefield of spiritual, sexual, emotional, physical, and educational violation. Hoover’s story points to the importance of holding abusers accountable, and advocating for justice and safety for survivors of all types of abuse.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 support.