Gratitude Gaslighting
Content warning for discussion of the 2024 election
America’s gratitude-themed holiday—arguably, all of November—has always been marred by my ancestors’ atrocities against the rightful owners of this land. Thanksgiving means appropriation and erasure for so many, so to focus on gratitude can feel tone-deaf. But this November I find myself in a new level of dogged refusal to be thankful.
We are collectively being re-traumatized because Christo-fascism has won the day with the second election of Donald Trump to the US presidency. Suddenly, we are small children again, under the “loving” discipline of authoritarian parents who will break our spirits by any means necessary.
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The spiritual gaslighting, designed to shame us out of our rage and pain, started immediately. “God is still on the throne.” As Spiritual Abuse survivors, we understand what lofty Christian jargon really means: “You’re being ungrateful. You’re overreacting. You’re in the wrong. You just need an attitude adjustment.”
You should be grateful, they once chirped, to be in a church that preaches the Bible. Of course, you have to submit to your husband. You’d really be up a creek if our church wasn’t faithful to Scripture.
You should be grateful that man only grabbed your flesh and moved along. I mean, you were wearing a mini skirt; you weren’t considering your brother’s temptation to lust.
You should be grateful that we let you worship with us despite your sinful lifestyle. Membership? Marriage? How about you thank us for a spot on our pews?
They cite God's supposed sovereignty with the seismic news of Trump’s win. “His ways are higher than our ways.” Some of these folks are sympathetic but deluded; they also did not want a rapist and convicted felon and dictator-in-chief, but they fancy themselves protected from any real consequences. They think God is protecting them, but their privilege is their real protection.
The spiritual voices who voted for this outcome are truly sinister. When they say “God is in control,” they don’t mean we will be protected from our newly-elected vengeful ruler, they likely mean Trump is the incarnation of their vengeful ruler god. They mean their white, male, power-hungry God is coming for retribution.
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Things are far from okay. But we are not going to submit to helplessness. That’s what they crave, and we will not give them the satisfaction. We are not neutral, let alone grateful for, or accepting of the abuse we endured in “godly” spaces. At one time perhaps we were; gaslighting is that powerful. But we are out of the matrix now. And in this new hellscape, we will not be shamed into “it’s not that bad” from those who’ve bought the lie, nor persuaded that “this is God’s will” from the violent.
We have a sixth sense for these tactics, and that is what I’m grateful for right now.
Many of you cannot talk to your family members for comfort or solidarity. You voted for them to have healthcare; they voted for you to be extinguished. But you are not alone. No one is coming to save us except ourselves. We will have each other’s backs, and together we will greet tomorrow.
There will be terrible sermons every Sunday. They will leak out of our neighbors and your realtor and your Uncle Todd. I doubt any of them will say, “You should be grateful,” but they’ll feed you a line about God. Either that this is what God wants, or what he allows. They will not see you, only a convenient narrative. They will shame you for wanting a better world.
It’s healthy to want things. It’s healthy for women to want things. Be content, be accommodating, be sweet, says the patriarchy. Accept your lot and move along. Just be a good mother, be a good wife, run your errands, make the soup.
But we are not demure status quo keepers. We are rabble-rousers. We contain desires, pain, love, grief, anger, joy, fear, and passion. It can and should all be held at once.
May we remember Madeleine L’Engle’s words from A Wrinkle in Time, when Mrs. Whatsit gave Meg, the protagonist, some advice: “Stay angry, little Meg. You will need all your anger now.”
Feel everything. This November, remove gratitude from the agenda if it’s the furthest thing from your mind and heart. Take care of each other. Let your anger fuel your resistance.
Halley Kim is a former evangelical pastors wife and later a pastoral assistant herself in the United Church of Christ. She has also worked as a nurse, doula, lactation consultant, and activist. Halley is writing a book about her experience of deconstructing her faith as a pastors wife, and both the cost and joys of freedom on the other side. She lives in St. Louis with her partner and three children.