Review of Jill Duggar Dillard’s book Counting the Cost
In her memoir Counting the Cost, Jill Duggar Dillard chronicles her strict upbringing in the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) cult, growing up on TLC’s hit show “19 Kids and Counting”, and the events that led her to rebuild her life and faith outside of the cult she was raised in. To avoid spoiling Jill’s story, I’ll point out a few key themes and lessons you’ll glean from reading: the ability to recognize that no person is all good or all bad; the necessity of healthy boundaries; the validity of asking questions; and the recognition that healing and restoration takes time.
Balance Between Good and Bad
Before Counting the Cost was released, I recall many internet critics speculating it would be a scathing tell-all about the Duggar family. While some new information was discovered by readers, many of the details of Jill’s story were well-known by those who had been following her family for years. However, one of the key themes readers will notice is Jill’s ability to call out the good and evil in others. Despite the immense relational trauma, pain, and grief perpetuated by her parents during her adulthood, Jill still seeks to commend them by recognizing the ways they acted positively, particularly during her childhood. Similarly, Jill’s retelling of her interactions with others is filled with her clear ability to both call out evil (the teachings of Bill Gothard and the IBLP) and good (her siblings, husband’s family, or the various TLC film crew members). I can imagine Jill was tempted, at times, to paint the people in her story as only, ever, and always evil. As a reader, I believe Jill appropriately and respectfully balanced calling out the good and evil in other people.
Necessity of Healthy Boundaries
Interested in more content like this? Subscribe to our newsletter here.
Jill’s story is filled with examples of the necessity and benefits of healthy boundaries. This is particularly true of her early adulthood and relationship with her parents, as she and her husband were no longer comfortable adhering to the network’s filming demands. The stories Jill tells of her adulthood are examples of both successful and failed attempts at setting boundaries, honestly evaluating how setting parameters benefited her and her husband, while still seeking to love her family well.
Validity of Asking Questions
Another aspect of Jill’s story and departure from the IBLP is her pursuit of answers. Throughout the book, you’ll witness Jill’s family progressing deeper into the IBLP and her eventual marriage and departure from the cult. As she found safe spaces to pursue answers to her questions, she came to realize that her own reasoning was valid, and the IBLP’s views contradict what she believes the Bible’s teachings to be. You’ll find Jill’s pursuit of answers inspiring, even as she encounters pushback about the decisions she makes.
Healing and Restoration Take Time
Another theme throughout Counting the Cost is that healing and restoration take time and may never be fully achieved. Two main areas of healing in her book are her pursuit of healing in the wake of being sexually assaulted by her brother and restoring her relationship with her parents. You’ll read of the devastation caused by the release of the police reports detailing Josh Duggar’s actions, as well as how Jill and her fellow victims pursued legal repercussions for those involved in the document release (once again, calling out evil where it’s present). You’ll also hear of the painful splintering of Jill’s relationship with her parents and siblings, as her departure from filming, change in perspectives, and construction of healthy boundaries created a need to pursue reconciliation through mediation. Throughout her book, Jill is open about the ways therapy has benefited her, helping her recognize that healing and restoration of relationships takes time and commitment.
Want to help people on the healing journey in the aftermath of Spiritual Abuse? Give a donation to support survivors here.
As a reader, I was impressed by Counting the Cost. Jill’s writing and storytelling are captivating, making the book a quick read. In addition to the above themes and takeaways, I found Jill’s courage and care incredibly admirable. Jill has not walked an easy road, especially over the past decade of marriage and departing from the IBLP. The amount of relearning she had to do and legalism to overcome is intense, and, I can imagine, extremely difficult. Her courage to set boundaries, pursue answers, and focus on healing over the long term is admirable. Jill’s care for others is evident in the way she writes about them. Many readers imagined Counting the Cost would be a scathing tell-all. Instead, Jill barely names exact names (with a few exceptions) and does her best to focus on the good each family member brought to the table, even in the midst of the harmful choices they made. While Jill never makes excuses for the harms perpetrated against her (she directly calls it out), she does not use her book as an opportunity to take shots at others. Instead, Jill dignifies those she discusses by honestly detailing their negative actions against her, while seeking to uplift people whose actions were positive and helpful. In a culture where criticism and vitriol are the norm, Counting the Cost is a healthy example of courageously and caringly naming dangerous ideologies and belief systems that perpetuate abuse, while at the same time recognizing the healthy and enjoyable aspects of her community.
Jill’s honesty, courage, and storytelling ability will be helpful to anyone who reads Counting the Cost. Whether you’re a survivor, supporting a survivor, or seeking to educate yourself, you’ll be swept into a powerfully written story of escape, questions, and restoration. I cannot recommend this book enough!
To purchase Counting the Cost, visit the Simon and Schuster website, or buy it from any major retailer, such as Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Leah Jolly is a graduate of Wheaton College where she studied international relations and Spanish. She lives in the Grand Rapids area with her husband, Logan, and is pursuing her MDiv at Calvin Theological Seminary. After finishing her MDiv, Leah hopes to pursue a PhD and work as an editor and professor. In her free time, Leah enjoys spending time with family and friends, writing, traveling, and reading.
