Resources for Spiritual Abuse and Trauma (Part 1)
I grew up in a fundamentalist religious environment, whereas my husband came from a completely different background. His outsider perspective turned out to be a blessing for us. We unfortunately raised our kids in this environment. Over the past decade, our entire family has been on a journey of healing and deconstructing from the religious programming we encountered. This journey has involved therapy and extensive reading. Below, you'll find a compilation of some of the books that have been instrumental at various stages of our healing. I recognize that everyone is on their unique healing path, and some of these books have a Christian emphasis, but they don't conform to the typical evangelical mold. Some may resonate with you, while others may not, and that's absolutely okay. My hope is that these resources can be beneficial to those who come across them. I firmly believe that healing from trauma is an ongoing, lifelong process.
I've divided these book recommendations into two posts. The first post focuses on books that were helpful at the beginning of our journey, and the second post will delve into books that shed light on deeper issues stemming from abuse.
When it comes to the topic of spiritual abuse, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen was my first encounter, and it proved to be a lifeline for my family. This book not only validated many of our experiences but also provided us with a foundational understanding of this complex issue.
As the authors aptly acknowledge, spiritual abuse often leaves survivors burdened with guilt, judgment, condemnation, and profound confusion about their worth and status. The book is thoughtfully divided into three sections: the first helps readers identify spiritual abuse, the second explores abusive leaders and their tactics, and the third offers guidance on post-abuse recovery.
One of the book's valuable aspects is the set of questions it provides for readers to assess their own church environments. These questions help identify key characteristics of spiritually abusive systems, including power posturing, an emphasis on performance and obedience, unspoken rules that hinder addressing problems (don’t ask), and tendencies toward extreme objectivism or subjectivism using shame and guilt as weapons.
Practical elements, such as helpful diagrams and charts, enhance the book's accessibility, particularly for those who prefer visual aids. We had been programmed for abuse through the church and began to realize that we were susceptible to it in other areas of life: work, family, and other churches. The authors’ answers here are a little simplistic, in my opinion, for the rebuilding process.
VanVonderen has written several other books addressing family dysfunction, child-rearing, and people-pleasing, offering a comprehensive toolkit for personal growth and healing.
F. Remy Diederich's books, particularly Broken Trust: A Practical Guide to Identify and Recover from Toxic Faith, Toxic Church, and Spiritual Abuse, made a significant impact on my husband and me as we worked through issues related to toxic church groups and spiritual abuse. Diederich's unique perspective as both a pastor and a professional addiction counselor provides a broader outlook on these complex issues.
One standout aspect of his work is his willingness to give individuals "permission" to step outside the traditional church environment in search of healing. This is especially important for those of us who find that church attendance only serves to retraumatize.
I appreciate that he takes the time to define crucial terms like "toxic" and "abuse," recognizing that not everyone shares the same understanding of these terms. This clarity serves as a foundation for his discussions.
The chapters in his books are concise yet packed with valuable information, leading readers to engage in meaningful discussions and self-reflection. His analogy of encouraging those who have experienced church abuse to step away and detox, similar to someone leaving an abusive marriage, is insightful. It emphasizes the need for individuals to take time to heal and recognize the destructive patterns from their past experiences before entering into new ones. This chapter opened so much discussion for our family as we talked through the patterns of dysfunctional churches we had been part of and why we were attracted to them.
Another commendable aspect is his encouragement for those who have been hurt by the church not to give up on their faith in God. He shares his own journey of finding healing while remaining part of the church community, offering hope and inspiration to others.
The inclusion of survivor input at the end of some chapters, where others share their experiences, adds depth and relatability to the content. It allows readers to connect with those who have undergone similar dynamics and provides a sense of community and support.
Return from Exile: Overcoming Loss, Failure & Personal Setbacks by Diederich is a 40-day journal of processing loss that comes from being part of a spiritually abusive community. Though the scriptural portion relating to the Exodus of the Old Testament did not resonate with me, this was extremely helpful to journal the loss experienced from being in an abusive church: economic, relational, emotional, physical, and psychological. It helped me grieve all that was lost and also find a path forward.
In her insightful book, Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, Dr. Marlene Winell, PhD, shares her personal journey as a former missionary kid who has completely departed from Christianity. Her writing, filled with a profound understanding of the religious "lingo," offers valuable guidance on multiple levels. It was one of the initial books I delved into, and I have frequently returned to its pages.
Dr. Winell skillfully connects the dots between family dysfunction, which often underlies involvement in fundamentalism, and the subsequent harm it inflicts on one's inner child. The book provides a plethora of practical tools for navigating the treacherous waters of religious trauma.
One particularly enlightening chapter dissects the psychological toll of theological concepts such as "total depravity" and the inherent "sinfulness of man," often referred to as "worm" theology. It took me some time to fully grasp this notion, but I wholeheartedly concur with her assessment. Additionally, her chapter on rediscovering one's emotions and embarking on the path to emotional recovery resonated deeply with me as it remains an ongoing struggle in my journey. She also addresses learning how to have a choice and enjoy pleasure, two things robbed of those in religiously abusive systems.
Leaving the Fold is a treasure trove of information that I had to approach methodically due to its depth. Dr. Winell’s worksheets, complete with evaluation sheets and thought-provoking questions, were immensely beneficial, although they could be emotionally draining during the early stages of my recovery.
While I have retained my faith, I deeply appreciate Dr. Winell's writing because she provides an invaluable perspective and candidly discusses the detrimental impact of fundamentalism.
I first discovered Dr. Bessel van der Kolk at a free online class on trauma and the body. It was absolutely fascinating. I sat and cried through the whole thing as it so described what several family members were experiencing. We had been to numerous specialists, with no answers, but in my gut, I felt the symptoms my daughters and husband were experiencing were related to our church abuse. His book The Body Keeps the Score will be eye-opening. This is the “bible” of how trauma stays trapped in our bodies. The beginning is rather clinical, but the second half is practical. It helps explain so many physical symptoms related to trauma. Coming from a medical and psychological viewpoint, he includes studies and evidence-based patient studies. This book opened Pandora’s box of how abuse (no matter the type) and PTSD affect the body. This book propelled us into PTSD counseling as we realized we were in a constant heightened state of arousal from our trauma.
Trauma in the Pews by Janyne McConnaughey, PhD, is authored by an individual with extensive experience in training individuals within the Christian ministry. Throughout her journey of healing from her own traumatic past, she came to a profound realization that many within the church community also grapple with trauma. Having been part of diverse religious circles for decades, her perspective encompasses a comprehensive view of Christianity, extending beyond fundamentalism.
The initial section of the book delves deeply into the impact of trauma on our spiritual practices. McConnaughey specifically delves into crucial aspects such as submission, confession, and prayer. Personally, this book strongly resonated with me as it provided insight into why I frequently experience emotional triggers in specific church environments. I found her guidance on crafting a personal spirituality and how it can differ from traditional Christian practices to be particularly valuable.
While some may not fully concur with her recommendations on making the church more trauma-responsive, she stands out as the first author I've encountered who recognizes its vital significance. Overall, reading this book has been a therapeutic experience for me.
The Lord Is My Courage by K.J. Ramsey, @kjramseywrites, is a beautifully crafted exploration of trauma and its profound connection to the body, and how it intersects with our encounter with God. This book, unlike your typical Christian literature, stands out for its unique perspective. The author, a trained trauma therapist, grapples with significant health challenges stemming from trauma inflicted by the church and her own family.
Drawing inspiration from Psalm 23, she skillfully applies timeless wisdom to the realm of trauma. Reading this book was a transformative experience that reshaped my understanding of a compassionate God—one who not only empathizes with our pain but actively meets us in our darkest moments. This God embraces our questions, mourns alongside us, and even expresses anger at the injustices we've endured.
Throughout my reading, I found myself compelled to highlight numerous passages, as the author's words resonated deeply. Additionally, K.J. Ramsey has authored a companion book, The Book of Common Courage, a collection of prayers and artwork that complements and enhances the themes explored in the main text.
Aundi Kolber, MA, LPC, @aundikolber is an author whose books offer a remarkable blend of compassion and practicality for working through trauma and abuse. Reading her books feels akin to participating in a therapeutic session. In her first book, Try Softer, Kolber encourages us to adopt a more compassionate approach to our emotions and personal narratives, steering clear of shame, negative self-talk, and the urge to tough it out.
The first part of the book delves into the informational aspects, shedding light on how different parts of our brain process trauma, overwhelming or uncomfortable situations, and triggers. It explores the concept of our "Window of Tolerance" and emphasizes the significance and benefits of establishing boundaries.
The second part of the book presents exercises designed to help us forge connections with our bodies, brains, and emotions.
In her subsequent book, Strong Like Water, Kolber continues to weave solid psychological research with Christian values. She discusses the journey from "situational strength," which aids us in surviving stressful circumstances, to "transitional strength," where we can fully embrace our inherent potential and purpose. Living from a place of transitional strength means being grounded, present, and fully alive, even when facing difficult situations.
Some notable aspects of her books that I appreciate:
Aundi Kolber's approach is marked by gentleness and compassion.
She breaks down complex scientific concepts into easily understandable terms, using real-life examples to illustrate their relevance.
Kolber provides practical steps at the end of each chapter, equipping readers with tools to navigate triggers and overwhelming moments effectively.
While she takes a Christian approach, it is presented in a non-coercive manner, allowing readers the freedom to engage with scripture as they choose.
Her books grant readers permission and space to engage in the challenging work of personal growth, emphasizing the importance of taking the necessary time for this journey.
May each reader find the healing and peace you deserve.
After dedicating the past ten years to unraveling the religious trauma and abuse that affected both her and her family, Meredith McKinney finds herself enjoying a deeper connection with her now adult children. She currently resides in Montana and has shifted her focus to building a thriving real estate business.