Love Bombing and a Narcissist
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a real, diagnosable disorder in the DSM-5. Though many narcissists in churches may very well have NPD, I am not diagnosing anyone here. Calling someone a narcissist is often an expressive term similar to calling someone an asshole. It describes someone who wreaks havoc on the lives of others for their own gratification. For this article, the narcissist is an abuser, someone in a position of power who uses that power to strip away the identity of their target. Many mental health professionals cringe at using the word too loosely. I ascribe to the belief that a survivor gets to choose the word that best resonates with their circumstances. Many survivors of Spiritual Abuse in Churches will instantly resonate with the description of a narcissist. So narcissist is the word I will use here.
What happens when a pastor or religious leader you respect suddenly flips the switch and becomes a monster?
Is it you?
Is it them?
Have they ever been someone you could trust? Or was it just an act?
Mark Driscoll is an infamous pastor in the evangelical church world. What’s unique about his situation is his church network brought him up on charges for being a bully. As far as we know at the time of this writing, there was nothing sexual involved in the complaints brought against him.
He resigned from Mars Hill Church in Seattle and eventually found his way to another church in Arizona. I wanted to mention a notable situation of love bombing that occurred at his new church.
Julie Roys interviewed two members of his new church on The Roys Report, July 6, 2021 episode “Inside the Driscoll ‘Cult.’” In the episode, these members, Chad Freese and Benjamin Eneas, mentioned that when Mark Driscoll first arrived at the church, he was engaging and friendly with the congregation. He would stay around after Sunday services and talk to people directly in the sanctuary.
This was a brutal contrast to the way he later behaved. He had personal security specifically for his family, was constantly paranoid about threats, and berated and targeted anyone who challenged him. He was specific about whom he allowed into his inner circle—flipping the switch from the engaging, presumably pastoral countenance upon his arrival.
When I heard this story, I thought, “He just love bombed the entire congregation.”
Love bombing is when a narcissist rolls out the red carpet for you. They are kind, friendly, engaging, and appear to really like you and want to be your friend. The love bombing might feel a little smothering, especially for healthy, independent persons, but in general you just think they are an extremely nice person.
However, once the narcissist has roped you in, made you feel secure, maybe even placing you in a position to owe them something, the behavior will shift. Especially if you are a threat to them in any way, such as having more competence in a specific skill set or having influence over people the narcissist wishes to control.
Love bombing can last for months or years. I’ve heard many stories of persons who were love bombed by their partner all the way up to saying, “I do” at their wedding. As soon as the honeymoon began, the abusive behaviors surfaced. The mask fell off, and the kind and generous person disappeared.
Love bombing can also happen intermittently throughout the relationship. The narcissist will have periods of time when they might be showering you with gifts and compliments (especially when people are watching), only to turn on you for anything they consider an infraction.
Something key to understanding love bombing: it’s actually not love at all. The narcissist has nefarious reasons for buttering you up and making you pliable to their influence. Not the least of these reasons is the ability to treat you any way they want.
And they will. Treat you any way they want. Then they will blame you if you put up any sort of boundary.
Often the only way to know if you are being love bombed is to put up a boundary. Healthy people respond to boundaries in a healthy way. They acknowledge the boundary and honor it. With a narcissist, likely your intuition will signal to you that setting a boundary isn’t going to end well, which might prevent you from setting a boundary at all.
If you’re fearful of setting a boundary because you believe the “love” or kind treatment might end if you do, it’s a pretty good sign you’re being love bombed.
Katherine Spearing is the founder of Tears of Eden and a trauma recovery coach. You can follow her on Instagram @katherinespearing