Inside the Life of a Mormon Wife
Review: “Wiving” by Caitlin Myer
Content Warning: While powerfully written, “Wiving” contains descriptions of sexual abuse and assault, which may be difficult for some readers. Please take care of yourself as you read.
What does life look like for a Mormon wife? Caitlin Myer’s memoir, Wiving, chronicles her Mormon upbringing, childhood sexual trauma, and the reality of gender norms and conventions both within Mormonism and culture at large. As I read Caitlin’s story, I was struck by her ability to navigate the past and present while exploring the gender norms and expectations placed on women by religion and culture at large. The experiences of women within orthodox Mormonism often resemble experiences of evangelical women.
Navigating Past and Present
Myer’s writing shifts between her present reality and the stories of her past (marked by the years as chapter headings). While this style of writing is typically not my favorite, Myer’s ability to seamlessly navigate these transitions aids in her storytelling. As a reader, I felt like I was reading a childhood journal while sitting next to her as she told further details and stories.
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Myer’s navigation of past and present carries into her reflections on sex, trauma, fertility, mental illness, and other themes. She recognizes how her childhood sexual trauma, experience of a bipolar parent, and relationship with the Mormon church influenced her present-day self. One aspect of this past vs. present dynamic that I appreciated is her exploration of women’s safety in public. As a child, she and her family spent semesters in Paris and London for her dad’s art teaching career. In both contexts, she experienced both a relative freedom and safety, along with a keen understanding of the risk of being a woman alone in public, witnessing the aftermath of a stabbing on the streets of Paris. Those childhood experiences of risk and lack of safety carried even into her adulthood in Portugal, where she experienced frequent, unwanted attention and harassment from men.
Exploring Gender Norms and Expectations
Being raised in the Mormon church, Myer had a particular set of expectations placed on her from a young age, especially in relation to men. Because she was taught–both explicitly and implicitly–that her job in life was to please men and be a good wife and mother, this carried into her relationships with men. At a very young age, she experienced multiple sexual assaults and rapes, blaming herself for what she experienced and telling herself that she simply had to be what her abuser wanted her to be and receive what her abuser wanted to do to her. This sexual and relational trauma carries into her dating life, marriage, and eventual (unfulfilled) desire to have children.
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This exploration of gender norms and expectation persists throughout Wiving, Myer eventually coming to the realization that she had always been “wiving,” in different ways and at different capacities throughout her life. Instead of being who she wanted to be, she was constantly trapped in the expectations of others, whether it was her family, significant others, the Mormon church, or culture at large.
As a reader, I appreciated Myer’s vulnerability and courage in sharing her story. She has walked through a lot of trauma due to sexual assault and mental illness, and conveys that in a very raw, real way that readers can learn from. Whether you identify with Myer’s upbringing and background or not, I think Wiving is a helpful memoir for all readers, especially those seeking to understand the overlap between trauma, abuse, and mental illness.
You can purchase a copy of Wiving on Amazon, and connect with Caitlin Myer on her website.
Leah Jolly is a graduate of Wheaton College where she studied international relations and Spanish. She lives in the Grand Rapids area with her husband, Logan, and is pursuing her MDiv at Calvin Theological Seminary. After finishing her MDiv, Leah hopes to pursue a PhD and work as an editor and professor. In her free time, Leah enjoys spending time with family and friends, writing, traveling, and reading.