You Are the Author of Your Story
For most of my life, my story was dictated to me. God had already planned my days, and if I wanted to honor him, I was supposed to follow my father’s interpretation of the Bible in order to fulfill God’s plan.
I was always a secondary character in this story. One could say the protagonist was God, the controller of the universe, but since he’s invisible, his stand-in was my father, eventually to be replaced by my future husband.
I remember once as a twenty-four-year-old, when I was trying to assert myself, I was told, “You can think whatever you want, but you can’t act on it.”
That statement encapsulated the essence of the spiritual abuse I was experiencing, but I was told many other disempowering, abusive lies throughout my life as a woman in the Christian patriarchy movement, often disguised in religious language:
“This is the plan God has for you.”
“As a woman of God, you are called to be a wife and mother.”
“Just submit, and God will bless you.”
Now that I’ve been out of the movement for a while, I can trace the emotionally and spiritually abusive language that was weaponized to keep me under control, to keep me quiet and submissive. At the root of all abuse is disempowerment, and I was being told that my purpose would always be to serve as a secondary person to a man. The movement continually dismissed my right to my own life, mind, and body.
When I first left, I didn’t tell many people about my past or background. I wanted to put it all behind me and move on with my life now that I had my freedom. But I had experienced so much disempowerment that I was struggling to move on. I slowly began writing down my story, and I discovered great healing in the process of putting my experience into words.
I became the author of my own story, which helped me take back my power. I could finally tell the truth of what happened instead of always protecting the abusive people in my life, which had hurt my own mental health.
Many people who have experienced trauma have found telling their story to be a healing practice. There’s even a method of therapy called narrative therapy, which, according to Dr. Cynthia Vinney, “is a psychological approach that seeks to adjust the stories one tells about one’s life in order to bring about positive change and better mental health. It considers people the experts on their own lives and views them as separate from their problems” (ThoughtCo.). Dr. Vinney says that this psychological approach is based on three ideas: 1) clients are treated with respect as people with agency and not as innately deficient, 2) clients are treated as separate from their problems, and 3) clients are treated as the “experts on their own lives.”
Narrative therapy from a trauma- and abuse-informed therapist can be life-saving, but it is just one framework for psychological help. Telling your own story helps you to see the abuse as something that happened to you, an event or series of events rather than something that wholly defines you or as something that originated from you. Chances are, if you’ve been abused, you’ve also been blamed for the abuse that happened to you. Reclaiming authorship of your life story helps you inhabit the truth that you are never at fault for the harm from other people.
I will always recommend abuse survivors find a licensed, trauma-informed therapist to help them in their healing process. But if there are obstacles in your way from getting therapy right now, a good starting place is to tell your story in whatever way works for you. Taking ownership of your narrative is an act of reclaiming the power that was stolen from you.
Telling your story might look like writing in a journal, talking with a trusted friend, or sharing on a platform like TikTok. Use your own judgment and intuition to test what works for you. Many people choose not to publicly share their story of being abused because of various factors, including some legal concerns they may need to consider, and if that is you, know that you are not alone.
Your story still matters, even if no one else ever hears it. The key to telling your story is telling it to yourself. Start with saying to that abused part of you, that part of you who is still hurting: you are heard and loved and valued.
Cait West is a member of Tears of Eden’s Editorial Board. She focuses on writing about the patriarchal movement and how patriarchy influences Spiritual Abuse. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.
Photo by Daniel Tafjord on Unsplash