Why is the Church So Obsessed with Sex?
This article is an adapted excerpt from Katherine Spearing’s (Tears of Eden Founder) forthcoming book on Spiritual Abuse.
I included a chapter about sex in a book about high-control religion and Spiritual Abuse because—well—the church is obsessed with sex. It’s the axis on which much abuse in the church spins.
I grew up believing sex outside of marriage was one of the worst sins ever.
Why? I have three theories.
Easy to Regulate
First, this is a relatively easy mandate to keep, at least for most people. If you do violate this mandate, it’s a relatively easy sin to hide. Upholding this moral standard (or the appearance of it) makes it very simple to set yourself up as a good person. It also makes it easy to draw a line in the sand between the good people and the bad people, so we know who is in and who is out.
Traps Women and Emboldens Men
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Second, it maintains a system for marriage that traps women and emboldens and frees men. Anytime a woman has intercourse (and some types of oral sex) she is at risk of becoming pregnant. Most of the risk in premarital sex is on the woman, so women are the ones who suffer most when their transgression is discovered. Throughout the ages, even the most progressive societies have a more charitable view of men who have multiple sexual partners, while women are held to higher standards. In the most conservative cultures, women are supposed to be virgins (never having penetrative sex) upon their wedding night.
In the fundamentalist world I grew up in, my friends and I assumed it was too much to expect the men we married would be virgins. As strict as the teaching was about staying pure, we all gave a grace pass to the men.
My friend Heather likes to say, “The happiest people are married men and single women.” This is sad, but generally true, even in today’s modern society that has equipped women with far more freedom than they’ve ever had before.
Keeps Victims Quiet
My third theory is this: shame around sex keeps abuse victims quiet, especially if they don’t know it is abuse. How many pastors have claimed they had an affair with a parishioner when the power dynamic most certainly categorized the relationship as abusive? How many minors stayed quiet about the abuse they experienced because they were terrified of the repercussions of having sex? How many abusers use the church’s stance on sex to deliberately manipulate and silence their victims?
Abusers are attracted to the church because of this belief system. It allows them to hide in plain sight. When the abusers gain positions of power, they perpetuate this belief system because it makes their proclivities easier.
Shame around sex creates a culture of silence. It creates a culture of ignorance. It prevents education about consent, leaving many people open and vulnerable to abuse.
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Regulating sex is very different than individuals establishing their own values around sex and sexuality. A person can’t establish their own values if they don’t have accurate, healthy information. Systems that regulate the act of sex also seem to regulate the information (i.e. keeping women ignorant about how their bodies work sexually). How many good Christians have been traumatized on their wedding night because they and their partner had no idea what they were doing?
The church’s teaching on sex is dogma that can and has become abusive. This teaching highlights how abuse isn’t just an action or an inaction. It comes from a theological viewpoint that is deeply embedded into the system. The patriarchal leadership of evangelicalism needs this viewpoint in order to maintain power. The root of all abuse is the exploitation of power. This teaching is a deeply damaging and abusive position of power.
All in the name of obeying God.
Listen to this episode on Uncertain about How Purity Culture Impacts Men.
Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC is the founder of Tears of Eden and is a Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner working primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. She also provides specialized trauma informed career coaching, as folks with trauma often need extra support for interviewing and networking.
Katherine is the author of a historical romantic comedy, Hartfords, a novel that challenges gender roles in a patriarchal society that will appeal to fans of Jane Austen. Her next book on Spiritual Abuse addresses the survivor’s recovery journey, coming in 2025.