When Narcissism Comes to Church: Book Review
In his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church, author and counselor Chuck DeGroat gives a thorough and much-needed look at the uncomfortable topic of narcissists in the church and spiritual abuse of believers by other Christians. He begins by explaining reasons that “narcissism thrives among those who seek to become like Christ,” pointing out among other things that narcissistic systems can appear to be “special” and thus attract people by its appearance of uniqueness or superiority. Interestingly, though narcissists often project a positive image of themselves to others “narcissism is born in the soil of shame and self-contempt, not healthy self-love” (30).
In a unique twist, DeGroat employs the Enneagram to explore what he calls “the nine faces of narcissism.” Essentially, narcissists do not always look like the common stereotype, but can appear extremely different depending on the person’s Enneagram number. Just as narcissists do not all behave in the same stereotypical ways, narcissistic systems are not all “grandiose” in their characteristics. Less recognizable, but equally damaging, the “vulnerable” system will resort to “passive-aggressive manipulation and emotional and relational avoidance.” By contrast, he describes healthy church systems as ones not dominated by anxiety, but ones in which all its members are built up and are free to be honest and curious.
Drawing from his personal experience, DeGroat says dealing with a narcissist left him “feeling small, powerless, terrified, crazy, exasperated, enraged, and ashamed. If you’ve experienced it, you’ve experienced trauma. Do not chalk this up to a ‘bad experience.’ Name it […] In your weakness and vulnerability is an opportunity for healing” (85). As a warning, he adds, “those who lack curiosity about themselves and remain largely out of touch with their feelings, needs, and unconscious motivations are most likely to project their hidden rage outwardly onto another” (95).
People who have been emotionally abused by a narcissist often feel crazy, confused, and uncertain, while “spiritual abuse bears a particularly sinister twist, as principles and maxims of faith are wielded as weapons of command and control, and faith leaders abuse their power for the sake of feeding their own unmet emotional needs. The victim feels just as perplexed and confused as one who has experienced emotional abuse but experiences it from a seemingly more authoritative source – a holy source” (125). DeGroat names characteristics of spiritual abuse, among which are silencing, moralizing, and unquestioned hierarchy. However, he carefully explains the difference between momentary lapses in behavior and an actual pattern of abuse.
DeGroat closes the book with a focus on healing. He explains the importance of allowing ourselves to heal from trauma, rejecting the idea that doing so is selfish. “Healing requires radical honesty with ourselves and the courage to follow through on the wilderness path.” (141). Likewise, he describes how transformation for narcissists is actually possible, but it requires repentance, radical honesty, and humility. DeGroat laments, “I’m disheartened when a theology of grace is misappropriated by those who’ve abused power, manipulated the truth, and exploited the powerless. Grace never whitewashes abuse. Grace exposes the abuser, not to shame him, but for the sake of truth and healing for all” (166).