What Box Do You Check?: Cultivating Self Love on Valentine’s Day

Ugh. I hate forms. And it’s not just because I suck at paperwork in general–my medical forms have more scribbles than a kindergarten art class! But, you know the forms I’m talking about; laden with fill-in-the-blanks and checkboxes, requiring you to quantify, qualify, and expose your most sensitive information to total strangers. Listed below are my least favorite.

Relationship status:

  • Single

  • Married

  • Divorced

  • Widowed

And only slightly less triggering…

Please indicate if you would like to receive spiritual or clergy support during your stay.

  • Yes, I would like spiritual or clergy support

  • No, I do not wish to receive spiritual or clergy support

  • If yes, please identify religious affiliation

  • Christian (Specify denomination): __________

  • Muslim

  • Jewish

  • Hindu

  • Buddhist

  • Other (Please specify): _______

As a single, divorced, former professional ministry worker, Valentine’s Day is triggering for me. The to-do checkboxes for those of us who have been hurt by the people who professed to love us most (whether family, friends, faith leaders, etc.) seem grim.

  • Avoid walking into stores until Feb. 15

  • Wear black in protest

  • Remind yourself this is a made-up holiday anyway but still buy and eat chocolate

Even if all the hearts and flowers make us want to run and hide, few people actually WANT to give up on love. What we WANT is to have the kind of love we were promised: unconditional love. To feel worthy, accepted, and wanted just as we are.

Walking through betrayal, abuse, and abandonment leaves little for our hearts to celebrate. Healing isn’t pretty, and our hearts go through seasons where they feel more black-and-blue than pretty pink and red. I know mine did. For a long time.

Two years after my world imploded, I found myself at a free workshop for people who felt lost in life. The presenter had us draw a large heart on a sheet of paper, then draw jagged lines to section off the places of hurt we carried inside. Unpleasant doesn’t begin to describe how awful that felt. But then, she had us draw a new heart on a new sheet of paper. We were supposed to fill this heart with all the reasons we could think of to love ourselves.

Progress was S-L-O-W at first. Coming out of environments where it was much more common to talk about our faults, failings, and weaknesses had wired our brains to flee from an exercise like this. The voice inside my head was anything BUT still and small. I had to constantly fight against the feeling that self-love was sinful. Miraculously, the sky did not crack open, and no thunder bolts appeared. With encouragement and taking baby steps into self-affirmation, we began creating the kind of heart we wanted to have, filling it with personal meaning and inspiration.

This Valentine’s Day, I hope we see past the checkboxes the world presents to us and begin (or continue) healing by creating our very own. Here’s the beginning of my list….

  • Worthy

  • Valuable

  • Enough

  • ???

  • ???

What boxes will you check for yourself this Valentine’s Day?


Heather Culli is on the Editorial Board and focuses on a little bit of everything Instagram @some2ndthoughts

Heather Culli

Heather Culli is on the Editorial Board and focuses on a little bit of everything Instagram @some2ndthoughts

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