Spiritual Abuse: An Origin Story
I’ve been contemplating writing the origin story of this community and resource for those in the aftermath of Spiritual Abuse. Each time I thought about it—and each time I sat down to write—a deluge of story would overwhelm the page. I’d talk about my childhood and the way Spiritual Abuse intoxicated my family, leading to a great number of other abuses. I’d talk about how Spiritual Abuse continued to claw its way through my soul as I sought recovery in adulthood. I’d talk about therapy, friends who helped me along the way, places I found safety and healing inside the church. Places I found safety and healing outside the church.
Sometimes I’d start closer to present day, and I’d share different aspects of working for a church I eventually had to leave because of Spiritual Abuse. Even that part of the story was besought with layers upon layers: do I talk about my abusive boss and how an abusive system led to his creation? Do I talk about the narcissistic pastor and his smooth handling and manipulating and stumping of educated and accomplished humans? Do I talk about the confusion of sitting in a meeting, sharing something I noticed was deeply concerning, only to leave that meeting feeling like I was the crazy one, and somehow what I’d shared would come back to bite me in the ass later? Did I share how people I once loved, cherished, and enjoyed working with are now people who would likely incite a panic attack if I were to randomly run into them somewhere?
As I write this, the different layers clamor and slide away, revealing themselves in such a great mass, it’s difficult to select one portion to share when it comes to the origin of this community and resource. So, I’ll select one, and know the rest of the story will come in bits and pieces as I share it over time. The one portion I’ll choose to share is the answer to the question, “why?”
Why did I start this? Because I wanted to create the resource and community I wished I would have had when I was leaving, and contemplating leaving, not one, but two Spiritually Abusive communities. When I left my family system, there weren’t that many resources. The few I did find were written by women—blog entries, short articles, etc.—and the system I grew up in fostered a foundation of mistrust of women and their ability to discern truth. I still battle this distorted belief in regards to myself, though I’ve gained a lot of experience, obtained a seminary degree, and have been writing and teaching for the majority of the last ten years.
“I wanted to create the resource and community I wished I would have had when I was leaving, and contemplating leaving, not one, but two Spiritually Abusive communities. ”
Many years after departing my family system, when a slow dawning over the course of several months revealed I had once again found myself in a Spiritually Abusive system, I began searching for resources once more. This time, I knew people who’d already left this system, a few of whom were happy to pass along articles and their own personal stories to help me navigate the toxic world I had encountered. My own digging surfaced several resources on narcissism, Spiritual Abuse, toxic faith, emotional manipulation, and abuse in faith-based communities, many of which have only been written in the past few years. I reached out to former colleagues who were also leaving, or had left, abusive systems. In doing so, I began to realize this is a massive issue in the church.
And we barely even know what it is.
The reality is, we’re just beginning to scratch the surface of defining what is Spiritual Abuse and understanding how it affects the church and individuals. We’re just beginning to discover how these systems develop and why they continue long after victim after battered victim is chewed up and spit out. There are many wounded warriors in the world. There are many who hate the church and hate God, who have no idea they were Spiritually Abused.
Once you start looking, you begin to see it everywhere.
“There are many who hate the church and hate God, who have no idea they were Spiritually Abused. ”
And I knew we needed a place to gather and flesh all this out. We needed a hub of resources. We also needed to be surrounded by others who understood what we’d been through—because they’d been there, too.
This was the soil in which Tears of Eden grew. I know this isn’t a small thing. And I’ll be honest, I’m still working through my own story. I’ve spent many anxious days and nights wondering if I should do this. Most of my anxiety is rooted in the fear my abusers, and those who protect them, will seize the opportunity to belittle, degrade, and silence me, as they’ve already done.
But my silence only allows their work to continue unhindered in the dark. For the sake of the wounded, I’ll share my story. With each word, I declare, the abusers will not win. With each word, I hope for good, beautiful, rest in the aftermath, for those who’ve found themselves awake in the middle of a very real nightmare.
My story is not over.
Neither is yours.
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This post first appeared on KatherineSpearing.com