Review of Traumatized by Religious Abuse by Connie Baker
In this review, Ginny gives a chapter-by-chapter summary of Connie Baker’s book. She states, “I think this book is for anybody who has experienced spiritual abuse, for those who know someone who has experienced spiritual abuse, and for spiritual leaders in any faith community.”
Traumatized by Religious Abuse by Connie Baker
It is hard to know exactly how to review a book when you have underlined half of the content. That is how important this book is.
Of all of the books on religious trauma and spiritual abuse that I have read so far, I would have to say that Traumatized by Religious Abuse by Connie Baker is the best organized and most thorough book on the topic.
The book is divided into four main sections with each section divided up into chapters. At the end of each chapter are questions for self-evaluation which are meant to help the reader see how their own experience has been impacted by abuse.
Section One: Foundations
In “Connie’s Story,” Baker tells us her own story of spiritual abuse and sexual exploitation at the hands of her pastor of the extreme spiritual abuse of the church leadership, commenting that about 25% of the damage came from the sexual abuse by the pastor, while 75% came from the response of the church leadership to the disclosure of abuse.
In “Defining Abuse,” she gives the definition of spiritual abuse and describes the context of abuse. One of the most helpful things that she brings into play is the concept of a spectrum from abusive to healthy.
In “The Sequence of Abuse,” she gives a framework of how abuse typically plays out in the following: control by claim of infallibility (or, I might add, spiritual authority), mind control through groupthink (I think of this as a church culture), and threat of punishment.
Section Two: Framework
In “Spiritually Abusive Messages,” she focuses on the messages that are sent by the abuser, whether they are overt or subtle, explicit or implicit, spoken or unspoken, and confirmed or denied. She details some of the more common abusive messages.
In “The Role of Power Differentials in Relationships,” she describes the various contexts where one might find a power differential.
Personal note: I found this chapter particularly helpful because she brings up an important phrase: perceived power. We all know that abuse happens in a situation of a power imbalance. But perhaps the most significant thing for me was this: that abuse can happen with a perceived imbalance of power. It doesn’t have to be just the pastor or the elder or the parent or the teacher or the boss. It can be at the hand of someone who, on paper, looks like an equal. But the important thing is the perceived power that the person has. A person can have a high amount of influence but no position of authority. A person can have a strong, domineering personality coupled with an attitude of certainty and use that to smash anyone who doesn’t agree. A person can be a spiritual gatekeeper within a certain community and you know not to cross them, even if they have no title. Understanding this concept confirmed for me I had indeed experienced spiritual abuse at the hands of a friend.
In “Characteristics of Spiritually Abusive Systems,” she describes the systems that grow and breed abuse. Sometimes it is the system itself, and the culture it breeds, that is abusive, even when no particular person is an overt abuser.
Section Three: Feelings and Fallout
In “Characteristics of People Susceptible to Spiritual Abuse,” the author does not, I repeat, DOES NOT blame the victim for the abuse. But what she does do in this chapter is describe various characteristics, some inborn traits and some a result of life experience, that make certain people more vulnerable to abuse and even more likely to be a target of abuse.
In “Post-Traumatic Stress Triggers,” she discusses PTSD and its symptoms and various things that are common triggers for those who have experienced religious abuse. She encourages readers to identify their triggers and avoid them until they have been able to process and heal.
In “Spiritual Damages of Religious Abuse,” she discusses the impacts of spiritual abuse, dividing them into six categories: physical, behavioral, emotional, relational/social, mental/psychological, and spiritual, with lists under each category. She explains the shifts that many people have in the aftermath of spiritual abuse and also gives greater detail to the existential damage, as well as the relational damage with God.
Section Four: Freedom
In “Educate and Validate,” she encourages the reader to learn as much as possible about spiritual abuse and how to evaluate the credibility of resources. She also encourages seeking validation through interacting with other people’s stories as well as giving form to one’s own. She gives guidelines for how to determine when it is safe to share one’s story and also suggests putting it in writing. “Writing it down brings form out of chaos.”
In “Creating Space for Grief and Healing,” she strongly encourages stepping back from re-subjecting oneself to triggers and more trauma in order to allow space to heal. She emphasizes that leaving a spiritually abusive church or community is a loss that must be grieved. She details the obstacles to healing as well as the necessary steps to healing.
In “The ‘Me’ Muscle: Self-Definition in the Aftermath,” she introduces “the side of you that knows who you are, what you want, what you need, and how you feel.” This is the muscle that protects you when you are threatened in some way, that empowers you to speak up when you need to make your views known.” She discusses barriers to developing the “Me” Muscle (many of us were taught that this is selfish and unbiblical), the importance of the “Me” Muscle, and how to strengthen it. She also includes a section on the importance of spectrum thinking (as opposed to polarized/all-or-nothing thinking) as well as the importance of tolerating ambiguity.
In “The Complicated Triad of Control, Guilt, and Responsibility,” she discusses the importance of assigning responsibility for the abuse where it is due and the connection of responsibility and guilt. “When responsibility is assigned to the proper parties, a lot of misplaced guilt simply goes away, and possible appropriate guilt is processed.” She also discussed control and powerlessness as well as feelings of shame.
In “The ‘F’ Word: Forgiveness,” she discusses the very difficult topic of forgiveness: what it is not, what it is, the barriers to forgiveness and the process of forgiveness.
The Appendices include An Open Letter to Religious Leaders, Thoughts for Ministers and Spiritual Leaders which includes ways to improve the health of faith communities, several pages of resources, and some guidelines for self-care.
I think this book is for anybody who has experienced spiritual abuse, for those who know someone who has experienced spiritual abuse, and for spiritual leaders in any faith community.
Listen to Uncertain Podcast Interview with Connie Baker HERE
Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash