Rethinking the Holidays

For many years, I thought the magic of the end-of-the-year holidays was mostly based on traditions. I grew up in a family that loves traditions. Every Thanksgiving morning when we were kids, my siblings and I would watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV, while our parents would prepare the turkey. After a big dinner, we’d watch our first Christmas movie of the year, setting off a month of little traditions leading up to the big morning when we would open gifts by the never-artificial tree.

Now that I’m an adult, I don’t often spend holidays with my family due to various reasons—geographical distance being a big one, my own personal experience with spiritual abuse from my father being another. Still, part of me wants to hold on to the old ways, to connect with the beautiful memories from before life got harder.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to keep all the family traditions to make the holidays meaningful for me. Now I pick and choose what I want my holidays to look like. Sometimes I use my time off to read books. Sometimes I want to bake cookies. Sometimes I cook the egg-and-sausage breakfast casserole my family would have every Christmas morning. Sometimes my husband and I pour the mimosas bright and early. Sometimes we go for a hike; we often go to the movies by ourselves.

But this is my tenth holiday season after leaving the Christian patriarchy movement—and the holidays still feel like a sensitive time to me. I want to find the magic in the season, but my body often reminds me of the trauma I’ve experienced and am still working to heal. 

Most times, I need to tell myself the truth about the holidays and what they mean for me now, rather than repressing my emotions. So I wrote this note to myself, and maybe it can help you out too.

Note to Self:

Only you have to live in your own body, your own mind. So only you should get to have the say on what your holidays look like. It’s not worth your mental health to sacrifice your own needs to make others happy. It’s okay to make decisions based on what’s best for you. Even if that means not seeing certain family members, or not following specific traditions, or not going to church for the holiday service.

You might feel like no one will understand how difficult it has been for you. You’re probably worried about what they might say to your face or behind your back when you create boundaries to keep yourself healthy. That’s okay. Keep close to the people who value your safety and honor your boundaries.

And anyway, more people than you realize are going through similar things. You are not alone in your grief or stress or anxiety, or even your loneliness. The holidays are more complex than a Hallmark movie—they don’t always feel magical or special or happy. More often than not, you’ll experience a range of emotions: dread, excitement, relief, sorrow. You are human. Feel everything you need to feel.

It’s okay if you want to hold on to certain holiday traditions, or if you want to let go of them. You don’t have to try so hard to fit into whatever mold you’ve been told the holidays should look like, be like, feel like. Make your own traditions, or spend every holiday differently, in whatever way works for you at the time.

I know it’s not easy to be reminded of loss during the holidays; it’s painful when relationships have been severed after spiritual abuse. The holidays are meant for spending time with loved ones—but you’ve experienced betrayal, abuse, even hatred from those you once trusted, those you once thought loved you. It makes sense that this time is hard.

No matter what, remember you are worthy of love, of a peaceful time away from toxic environments, of a holiday that fits your needs and desires.


Cait West is a member of Tears of Eden’s Editorial Board. She focuses on writing about the patriarchal movement and how patriarchy influences Spiritual Abuse. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.

More like this:

Navigating the Holidays without a Church Family

Spiritual Abuse in the Christian Patriarchy Movement

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