Red Flags of Spiritual Abuse
At Tears of Eden, we work to provide resources for survivors of spiritual abuse, with a focus on this type of abuse in the Christian evangelical world. On our website we use this definition of spiritual abuse:
“Spiritual Abuse, in its simplest form, is using the Bible and God to cause shame and harm, leading to a breakdown in relationship between God, self, and others.”
As survivors ourselves, we know the power of education and awareness, and we also understand that spiritual abuse is complex and that it can look different in various circumstances. We want to help those who have survived this type of abuse, and part of that is providing resources on recognizing spiritual abuse and healing from it.
Want to help people on the healing journey in the aftermath of Spiritual Abuse? Give a donation to support survivors here.
I know from experience that spiritual abuse can be very covert, almost invisible. But its impact on survivors is deep and long-lasting, impacting every aspect of their lives. So it’s important for everyone, not just survivors, to be aware of what spiritual abuse can look like so that we can recognize it when it happens and deal with it appropriately.
Spiritual abusers might be church leaders or family members—anyone who can leverage power dynamics to harm through abusive tactics. Since January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness month, I’ve put together a short list of some red flags of spiritual abuse with the help of some survivors on Twitter. These could help point to a deeper pattern of abusive behavior or an environment that fosters abuse.
Cherry-picking Bible verses
Spiritual abusers use the Bible to justify their harmful behavior. They will pick verses out of context or interpret passages to suit their own ends. An example of this could be the verse that says, “The heart is deceitful above all things.” Abusers use this verse to gaslight their victims into not trusting their own intuition, keeping them trapped and under their abuser’s control.
Speaking for God
Spiritual abusers crave power, and they find this by describing themselves as having special access to God, using phrases like “close to God” or “following the convictions of the Holy Spirit.” They might claim to have gained their authority from God, meaning that others need to listen to them as if they are the voice of God. They might phrase instructions like “God wants you to…”
Controlling behavior, information, thought, and emotion
Dr. Steven Hassan’s BITE model of authoritarian control can help us recognize different levels of control. Spiritual abusers use tactics like limiting relationships, monitoring clothing and finances, and guilt-tripping to keep their victims under their influence.
Shutting down questions
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Spiritual abusers understand that curiosity leads people to seeking independence, and they want people to depend on them for answers. So they often shut down questioning with Bible verses or statements that do not allow for any conversation, using thought-stopping clichés and phrases like “The Bible is clear.”
Creating and perpetuating narratives of fear and hate for outsiders
(suggested by Shari A. Smith)
Spiritual abusers keep their victims in their control by limiting information from other sources, and one way they do this is by creating black-and-white narratives about outsiders to prevent their victims from leaving the bubble they have created.
Conflating mental health issues with sin
(suggested by Jenai Auman)
Too often in the church, mental health issues are disregarded or mislabeled as “sin issues.” For instance, anxiety and depression are mental disorders that can be treated by a licensed practitioner, but sometimes church leaders discourage those who suffer from mental health issues from seeking outside help.
Using pseudo-biblical language or “Christianese” to suppress concerns
(suggested by Kit Kennedy)
Spiritual abusers might use biblical-sounding words, often called Christianese, to give themselves the appearance of being righteous, but they use this type of language to shame and diminish others. For instance, they might call women who ask questions or who don’t conform to their arbitrary standards “jezebels.” They might gaslight those who have brought up issues of abuse by telling them they aren’t “trusting God” enough or aren’t “submitting with a meek spirit.”
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These are only a few signs to help you recognize when something might be wrong in your church or in a relationship. Taken by themselves, an individual red flag might not indicate an overall pattern of abuse. In other words, there is a spectrum of problematic behavior, and it’s helpful to understand different signs so that you can know if you or someone you love is in an abusive situation. As a survivor, I can only speak from experience, not as an expert. So if any of these red flags spark questions for you about your life experience, I recommend seeking out a certified coach or licensed therapist for additional help.
Spiritual abuse is serious and extremely harmful and traumatizing. It is often accompanied by other forms of abuse. If you are being abused, you are not alone, and there are lots of resources to help. One is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. The Hotline’s website also provides many resources, including this diagram of the Power and Control Wheel.
Cait West is a member of Tears of Eden’s Editorial Board. She focuses on writing about the patriarchal movement and how patriarchy influences Spiritual Abuse. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.