Spiritual Abuse: Overt and Covert Explained

Spiritual Abuse is complex. There are layers upon layers, and we’re just at the beginning of our understanding. We’re pioneers exploring a country, but we’ve barely traveled past the East Coast.

Frequently, people will ask me, “What is Spiritual Abuse?” I have come to realize when they ask this, they are not looking for a definition, rather, they are looking for an example. Here I give several real-life examples of what Spiritual Abuse is through the framework of Overt and Covert abuse. 

 We can draw much of what we know about Spiritual Abuse from knowledge about other forms of abuses—psychological, verbal, emotional. Spiritual Abuse is very similar and even has elements of these tied up within it. We can also see Spiritual Abuse as an “Umbrella” of abuse. Beneath it, often lie paths to other abuses, the previously mentioned not excluded. 

 It’s important to note, it often requires a power dynamic to create an abusive situation. If a fellow layperson in a religious system attempts to use one of the following tactics, they’re not in the position of spiritual authority. While they may use the Bible and God inappropriately, and the source may be their own anxieties and misconceptions, the relational dynamic isn’t the same as when this messaging is coming from a religious system or a person in authority. However, if a layperson uses language such as, “The Bible is abundantly clear,” or “God is very displeased,” they are claiming the authority of God is backing them. We might have cause to categorize their behavior as abusive behavior. 

 In this article, I’ll parse out what is Overt and Covert Abuse. These are my own definitions and explanations, drawn from personal experience, informed by research and hundreds of conversations with others, including pastors, therapists, academics, and fellow survivors of Spiritual Abuse.

 Notice that most of the examples are covert, and there’s a reason for that. Spiritual Abuse can be very “undercover.” We rarely notice it until the damage is already done.

 Overt Spiritual Abuse 

I define Overt Spiritual Abuse as someone deliberately using God and the Bible to shame, manipulate, and control. This person does not actually care about what is good for you, they simply care about protecting themselves, protecting the system, exerting power, and achieving gratification. Often there’s a narcissist (or possibly a cult leader) at the helm of this form of abuse. Often the Spiritual Abuse is a ruse adopted to disguise other abuses.

 Examples:

 1. If you seek to hold an abusive spiritual authority accountable for their behavior, you are not honoring authority and therefore not honoring God.

 This one is clever. If a system can convince people God is backing the abuser, there’s nowhere to turn. Any suggestion that something might be off has a system questioning your obedience to the higher power that they claim to serve. Never mind their own actions fall outside of what God may have exemplified as loving, sacrificial, and beautiful. Never mind that the abuser is not only dishonoring God, they are also dishonoring the individual whom they were called to shepherd and serve. Here God’s name is being invoked to frighten people into submission and silence.

 I think we need to rethink if “taking the Lord’s name in vain” is truly a reason to reprimand children who say “Oh my god” on the playground. Maybe the third commandment has another interpretation.

 2. If you speak to anyone outside of the system about the problems happening inside of the system (unless that person is approved by the system), you are gossiping and slandering.

 This is misappropriating the definition of gossip and slander to protect the system, especially when someone is seeking help from outside the system because they know the system is untrustworthy. When the system slaps a “gossip” on anyone who seeks help, this immediately discredits the whistleblower in the eyes of others. It immediately takes everyone’s eyes off the real problem (and the real abuse).

3. “I am your pastor. I would never hurt you. I’ll protect you.” Then the pastor grooms the victim for sexual encounters.

 Even if the person groomed is a consenting adult, I still consider this sexual abuse, as the spiritual authority was the instigator, the perpetrator, and—by virtue of their position—was invoking God’s approval. It’s hard to “know better” when you’re targeted by someone purported to be a trustworthy spiritual authority. It’s hard to “know better” when that spiritual authority is messing with your mind and using Jesus and the Bible to do it.

 Further Spiritual Abuse can ensue when congregants and leadership fail to protect the abused and heap equal responsibility upon the victim.

 Covert Spiritual Abuse

 I define covert abuse as something that has a basis in the Bible and maybe has an element of truth. However, the “truth” is taken out of context. It does not consider the entire story of scripture, neither does it consider God’s character. It does not value the complexity of the human experience. It may add extra mandates not included in the Bible.

 The source of this abuse might not have any personal agenda. They may truly desire what is good for you. 

Covert Abuse can be a disguise for Overt Abuse.

 Examples:

1. The fact you can’t interact with your abuser without being triggered and have chosen to stay away from your abuser, indicates you have bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart.

This one is very common in Evangelical communities. This happens when someone tries to create a template for forgiveness out of a few obscure Bible verses. This also invalidates the pain of the victim and disregards the complexities and intricacies of trauma. Nobody without training in trauma recovery should ever advise an abuse victim on their interaction with their abuser (yes, even if they are a pastor). This can be Overt Spiritual Abuse if the person saying it is actually your abuser (or protecting your abuser).

2.Sex is only for marriage. If you have sex outside of marriage, you will ruin your marriage and your life. If you save sex for marriage, your marriage will be wonderful, with no problems. 

 This creates a template for sex out of a few obscure verses. It also is a form of prosperity gospel, promising a reward (and a punishment) it can’t possibly deliver. It uses fear and shame to control outward behavior.

 3. Depression is a sign that you do not have faith in God.

 So much damage has been done with this philosophy towards depression (or any mental illness). Yes, there are times we can just buck up, go for a walk, talk to a friend, and that will help us out of our depressive thoughts. But depression can be very complex. It can be a result of biological wiring, trauma, or grief. Slapping shame and guilt on a person navigating depression is adding another heavy weight to something that is already difficult to bear.

  4.“I don’t care if you identify as a boy. You were born a girl. God made you a girl. Therefore, I will call you by your given female name and not indulge any behavior that does not adhere to the traditional, religious gender binary.”  

First off, there’s a lot of fear around the sexuality topic—especially with teens. Many Evangelicals feel they have to start with orthodoxy first. Then, once we all believe the same thing, then I can love you in your humanity, with all of its complexity (sometimes we don’t even get to this part). I’m sorry, this isn’t tough love or even honest love. It’s cowardice and blindness, and has caused a lot of damage.

 Apart from what some may say, the Bible is not very clear on this. We need nuance and great care for an individual. Just like the saying, “sex outside of marriage will ruin your marriage,” we need to be careful not to dumb down a few verses into prescribed rules. Often these “rules” are rooted in fear.

 What are we afraid of?

I’d say asking, “what are we afraid of?” should be the precursor to any rules established by religion and tradition. 

 Conclusion:

This is not an exhaustive list, by any means, but I hope it helps make a complex term less complex and helps answer the question, What is Spiritual Abuse? 

 My usual collaborators on all things Spiritual Abuse are Katie Beim-Esche, Jeana Roth, Bob Pardon, and several others who prefer to remain anonymous.

You might find it helpful to listen to the episode What is Spiritual Abuse? on the Uncertain podcast.