Navigating the Holidays without a Church Family
Five years ago, I decided to no longer spend the holidays with my family. I believe I grieved this decision long before I made the phone call to inform my mother I would not be attending Christmas at her home.
I exhaled with relief once the choice was finally made, and then proceeded to have some of the best holidays of my life. A season I used to hate suddenly became a season I adored and celebrated.
Yet, a certain sadness accompanies the season. Not so much missing the holidays with my family as mourning the darkness that caused me to make the separation in the first place. I’ve learned to hold the sadness alongside the peace and relief.
Two years ago, another separation occurred. I’d been on staff with churches for nearly a decade. The months of Christmas and Easter are pivotal times for churches, and knowing I had the church world during the holidays certainly made the separation from family easier.
Then, after a chronic situation of Spiritual Abuse. I lost this family, too.
I never imagined a scenario where church would no longer be a part of my holiday season. While the decision to separate from family was fully mine, I felt like church was wrenched from me—prematurely, unjustly, and with finality. It was not my choice that this church-infused holiday suddenly left me confused and wondering, exactly what does this holiday look like now?
Christmas is everywhere. While I want to celebrate it and enjoy the foods and tradition this holiday brings, I’m assailed with the loss I’ve experienced as I have now lost not one, but two families. What do you do with a holiday that appears to require both?
Five years without my original family and now two years without a church family have made me aware of a few things that might help. Please feel free to add to this list in the comments.
Navigating the Holidays without a Church Family
1. It’s okay to feel a complex array of emotions. It’s okay to feel excitement and loss. Joy and sadness. Clarity and confusion. You might feel angry. You might feel lonely and isolated. Grief doesn’t go away just because there’s tinsel on a tree. Be kind to yourself and the emotions you’re feeling. They are no less valid simply because the people around you are smiling.
2. It’s okay to say no to things you might traditionally do. If it’s an option, don’t have to go to the office party if it brings up troubling emotions. If your Christmas music playlist brings pain along with it, maybe don’t play it this year. Maybe those traditional Christmas movies need to be replaced by an action thriller instead.
3. Surround yourself with safe people. Maybe you can’t fully avoid speaking with people who aren’t safe, but maybe you can create some extra boundaries during the holidays. Find folks who understand, even if your new choices don’t look like a Hallmark film.
4. Notice the small things. When you are excited about something—maybe it’s as simple as a new recipe or your favorite Christmas ornament—take a moment to acknowledge it.
5. You are not less Christian if you can’t take part in Christian things. Most of what we see as “Christian” is really just tradition. And nothing is more traditional than Christmas. If you can’t attend a Christmas Eve service or if a manger scene makes you cringe, it’s not a barometer of your faith. You might be having a trauma response. Go easy on yourself.
6. Faith is not a requirement to enjoy the holidays. Millions of people celebrate Christmas and do not identify as Christian. You can still celebrate, even if you no longer claim this identity.
If, because of abuse, you find yourself separated from the institution of church this holiday season, know that it’s not the way it’s supposed to be. What happened to you should never have happened. There’s a certain measure of grief that might occur, and the loss can be as difficult as losing a loved one. You deserve beautiful things, and I hope you find your own magic this holiday season.
Click the button for an advent guide. Disclaimer: it might not be the right fit for you right now. However, the contributors attempted to make an embodied advent guide, and this guide resembles a lot of posts by the Instagram account Black Liturgies. Many folks in the deconstruction community, including those who don’t identify as Christian, have found this account helpful. Use it if it is helpful for your experience.
Katherine Spearing is a member of Tears of Eden’s Editorial Board and Board of Directors. Follow her on Instagram @katherinespearing and Twitter @katespearing
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash