How I Recognized I was in an Abusive Marriage
Content Note: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - While we aim to provide valuable information about domestic violence and abuse, we are not equipped to offer direct help or intervention. If you need assistance, the resources included in this article can connect you with the support you need.
One mindless click on Facebook changed my entire world. It was just a simple blog post, shared on the account of a long-ago college friend. I had only come to the site to numb myself for a while; to disappear into the worlds of other people’s lives and escape the pain and emptiness of my own. But rather than offering sweet relief, the words on the screen left me stunned and shaking.
How did she know?
The writer was detailing her experience as a domestic abuse survivor. But it wasn’t the words on the page that stopped me in my tracks. Rather, it was the feeling that this author had an intimate, working knowledge of my marriage. How did she know? How did she know about the exhaustion, the confusion, and the suffering? My marriage was difficult. But multiple Christian counselors, in sessions spanning almost a decade, had heard my story and the word “abuse” had never been mentioned. The only counseling advice I’d been given focused on maintaining the marriage under the covenant made before God. But the story I was reading online had so many similarities it COULD have been my story. And it named the behavior I’d been experiencing for decades as abuse.
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As I continued to read, fractured pieces of my own relationship experience began to fall into place. The fears, feelings, and failings of the author’s marriage eerily mirrored my own. By the end, a strange sense of calm and clarity washed over me. Truth began to settle into my bones. I too was in an abusive marriage. But how did she know?
How did she know she was being abused? How did I not know I was being abused?
I was desperate for answers. So were many, many others. Author Hannah Hollander’s Facebook post would be shared over 123,000 times. Overwhelmed by replies, she opened a private Facebook group to connect thousands of people who identified with her story, just as I had. A poll put to the group members early on revealed that over 50% of the members came from religious and/or conservative Christian backgrounds. In addition to the group statistics, national statistics report that in the United States every minute 32 people experience intimate partner violence, over 47% of women have encountered contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, and 1 in 4 men in the United States have endured severe physical violence from an intimate partner. So many victims have asked the same question: How did we not know this was abuse?
Sadly, many organized religions and faith groups have stayed silent on the issue of domestic violence and abuse. Teachings on submission, enduring hardship with prayer, the evils of divorce, and breaking up the family system often prevent individuals like me from seeking help. Shame and guilt and fear keep victims trapped in damaging and dangerous situations. Many religious counselors and clergy lack the training to identify abuse, hold abusers accountable, and adequately support victims in their trauma. I was in Christian counseling off and on for eight years. When I finally told the last Christian counselor I thought I was being abused, she turned to my husband and said, “How does that make you feel?”, without even addressing my allegation of abuse. I walked out of that office and immediately contacted a secular counselor. He helped me identify the abuse, put together an exit plan, and supported me through my healing journey.
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Thanks to Hannah’s courageous post and the help from therapy and online support groups, I made the decision to leave. I’m five years out from my divorce and can confidently say that I am healing. My children are thriving. And I’m here adding my voice and experience in hopes of reaching those, like me, who find themselves asking, “How do I know if what I’m experiencing is abuse?”.
How do you know?
Using the word “abuse” to describe your relationship can be scary at first. I was terrified to even speak the word out loud. For those of us taught to turn the other cheek and forgive seventy times seven offenses, it can be difficult to label someone’s behavior toward us as abusive. But abuse is real. It is damaging and dangerous. And you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you or someone you love is in a relationship where one person holds most of the power and control, one or more individuals feel unsafe, one or more individuals have become isolated from friends and family, or anyone suspects they are being abused - please keep reading. Taking the first step is scary, but you aren’t alone. There is help available.
Additional resources for understanding domestic violence and abuse and connecting to recovery and support:
If you or someone you love thinks they are being abused, please reach out to your local domestic abuse hotline or the national hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or call 911 if someone’s well-being is in danger.
Warning signs of abuse can be difficult to spot. Abuse can take many forms, not only physical. Even one or two of these behaviors is a red flag that abuse may be present. Click here to learn more.
Showing extreme jealousy of time spent away with friends or family
Isolating you from supportive friends, family, and peers
Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of others
Controlling finances in the household without discussion
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school
Pressuring you to perform sexual activities you’re not comfortable with
Intimidating you through threatening words or actions
Threatening to harm or take away children or pets
Intimidating you with weapons
Destroying your belongings or your home
Still not sure if what you or someone you love is experiencing is abuse? Click here to take a short 3 minute survey.
Visit Hannah Hollander’s website Speak Your Truth Today for a wealth of information and resources on all types of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, etc.).
How do you help?
There is help for victims and hope for survivors. Since telling my story to just a small circle of friends, I’ve had other women reach out for help, support, and resources. All have either left or are in the process of leaving their abusive situations and beginning their own healing journeys. According to author and researcher Brene Brown, shame needs three things to survive - secrecy, silence, and judgment. By raising your own awareness, creating safe spaces for victims to tell their stories, and advocating for victim support, we can break the silence around domestic violence and abuse in spiritual systems. Visit this link for further tips and resources to support those affected by domestic violence and abuse.