Healing from Spiritual Abuse
Have you ever felt like you’re walking in the dark? Like you’re invisible to everyone else who seems to be getting along just fine? Have you ever felt this way in a church?
I’m going to be honest with you right up front: I have long struggled to find peace, comfort, and hope in church. My relationship with God and faith is a little complicated, so it makes me feel vulnerable to share this, but I’ve found I can’t say it any other way. And I have a hunch that some of you might feel similarly.
The reason I feel this way in church is because of my experience with spiritual abuse, both by churches and family members. I have been taught twisted versions of Scripture verses that were meant to control me and keep me totally submissive and compliant. When some church members found out a small portion of the level of manipulation I was living with in my home, they told me that God just wanted me to submit and it would all work out.
The way I received that message was that God wanted me to continue to be abused and to stay quiet about it.
“[T]hey told me that God just wanted me to submit and it would all work out.
The way I received that message was that God wanted me to continue to be abused and to stay quiet about it. ”
A Brief Definition of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse includes the use of religion, God, the Bible, or spiritual practices to harm someone and steal their autonomy, their voice, and their strength. Spiritual abuse is exhibited in behaviors similar to other forms of abuse: power and control, manipulation, gaslighting, threats, and isolation. It can also be connected with other forms of abuse, including verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, and financial. The nonprofit organization Tears of Eden provides this definition: “Spiritual abuse, in its simplest form, is using the Bible and God to cause shame and harm, leading to a breakdown in relationship between God, self, and others.”
A Growing Conversation
Spiritual abuse is starting to become a larger conversation, and for this, I’m grateful. I truly hope churches in general become more educated about this and that they take the action needed to create safe environments that do not enable abuse and that do take action against abuse. I’m not an expert, but a survivor and advocate, and if my post resonates with you, I’d recommend checking out Tears of Eden, Religious Trauma Institute, and the spiritual abuse page of the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more resources.
It can be so painful to be betrayed by the person or place or religion that you once trusted to provide safety and hope. It hurts even more to lose your community, your family, or your home. Despite the voices in my life that were telling me to live under abuse, I eventually found my way out, refusing to believe that God would want me to be hurt.
“Despite the voices in my life that were telling me to live under abuse, I eventually found my way out, refusing to believe that God would want me to be hurt.”
The Path to Healing
Something I’ve learned over the years is that it’s OK for us to take the time and space we need to heal. I recently visited a church where the pastor tended to shout his main points in the sermon. Others in the congregation seemed to be excited by this, motivated by his words. But I couldn’t hear what the pastor was actually saying because I started having flashbacks of my spiritually abusive childhood pastor, who would shout hateful, shaming words from the pulpit.
I’m learning through time and therapy how to notice my body’s reactions, how to prepare for situations that may be triggering, how to calm down my nervous system. I am also learning that I don’t need to stay in religious environments that are still hurtful. I realize not everyone will understand this, but I want to say it so that if you are in the same situation, you can feel validated in making decisions for your own emotional and spiritual safety.
3 Affirmations for Survivors of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is extremely harmful because it can hurt our relationships with church and with God as well as damage our view of ourselves. If you’re on a journey of healing from spiritual abuse, I want to leave you with three affirmations that I hope can be a source of light for you.
1. It’s not your fault.
There is nothing about you that caused abuse to happen. Nothing about who you are or what you’ve done can ever make abuse your fault. It is unfair that we need to do the work of healing when we never asked to be harmed. It is OK to be upset about that and to experience all of the emotions that will come.
2. Abuse is never OK.
It doesn’t matter if your abuser was a pastor or a Sunday school teacher or a family member—abuse is never justified and should never be excused. Sometimes people diminish spiritual abuse, not recognizing the trauma it causes, but the effects can be just as devastating as any other form of abuse. What happened to you wasn’t right.
3. You are not alone.
There are so many of us, and our voices are getting louder. We are all here together to get through the terrible moments and the healing journey. We are speaking up for ourselves and each other. We are creating spaces and support groups of safety. We are finding new ways to navigate our value systems, faith, spirituality, and identities.
I’m not writing this to attack all churches, because I believe churches can be healthy, safe communities. I’m writing because I know there are still people in many churches who are suffering from abuse, and I remember what it feels like to be stuck, depressed, hopeless, hurt, and betrayed with no idea how my circumstances could change. I want to write words of hope to my younger self and to those in the midst of pain now. If this is you, I am so sorry you have been hurt in this way, and I truly believe you can find healing and peace as you move forward, away from the voices that have pulled you down. It is not an easy road, but you are braver and stronger than you know.
Post appeared first on The Glorious Table
CAIT WEST is a writer, reader, and publishing professional who lives with her husband in Grand Rapids, Michigan. After leaving the stay-at-home-daughter movement, she started over by studying creative writing at Michigan State University, working in education and literacy, and eventually finding her way to an editorial position in book publishing. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash